📰 The best Onion headlines ever

🏀 Badgers Draw No. 3 Seed in NCAA Tourney

• Are you ready for March Madness? The UW-Madison Badgers’ men’s basketball team have a No. 3 seed in this year’s NCAA Tournament. They will kick off their 28th appearance in the tournament with a first-round match-up against No. 14 Montana on Thursday.
• Wisconsin is entering the tournament after a strong performance in the Big Ten Tournament, making it to the title game before losing to Michigan on Sunday. Tipoff against the Montana Grizzlies is at 12:30 p.m. Thursday on TNT. (WMTV, ESPN)

🏈 Could Regent Street Become Madison’s Deer District?

• Members of a community network called the Regent Street Group are discussing ways to heighten the appeal of the bustling street, which is home to tailgate parties on Badgers game days.
• They envision a Badgers-themed entertainment district that still draws crowds on Saturdays, but has a year-round appeal for both students and visitors. The city’s Engineering Division will seek public input on a planned reconstruction of Regent Street to make it more amenable to motorists, cyclists, and pedestrians. [ 🔒 WSJ]

🏫 UW DEI Chief Was Dismissed For ‘Questionable’ Expenses

• Records released by UW-Madison show LaVar Charleston approved lump sum payments, bonuses, raises, and inappropriate travel expenses, leading to his dismissal as head of the school’s Department of Diversity, Equity, and Educational Achievement.
• The department’s budget increased 59% between 2022 and 2024, driven primarily by increases in salaries and student wages. Charleston’s salary was $364,207 in 2024, up $50,000 over the previous year. [ 🔒 WSJ]

Even now, comedians who come to Madison talk about the city almost in awe. This is the place where The Onion was born in 1988, bringing a new kind of satirical journalism to the world.

The Onion left Madison in 2004, and is still going strong and independent as a monthly print publication and a website.

On the City Cast Madison podcast today, host Bianca Martin talks to author Christine Wenc who was part of the flagship staff of The Onion as a UW-Madison college student, and has now written a book, “Funny Because It’s True: How The Onion Created Modern American News Satire.” Wenc will talk about the book at an event Tuesday night at Arts+Lit Laboratory.

Let’s revisit some of the best headlines in The Onion’s long run, from personal faves to the ones that had the most impact.

‘Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American Flag Cake’

The issue of The Onion that came out the week after the 9/11 attacks was a huge test for the satirical newspaper. But they passed with flying colors, especially this surprisingly poignant article about a woman showing her patriotism in the kitchen.

‘This War Will Destabilize the Entire Mideast Region and Set Up a Global Shockwave of Anti-Americanism vs. No, It Won’t’

I think the editorials in The Onion are somewhat underrated, such as this point-counterpoint in the run-up to the Iraq War that contrasts a reasoned (and prescient critique) of war with a naysayer just saying “Trust me, it won’t” over and over.

‘Perky ‘Canada’ Has Own Government, Laws’

This one has become unfortunately relevant lately, as a reporter treats our neighbor to the north as sort of a quirky oddball (“It even has its own currency!”).

‘CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years’

A very funny article where the nation’s intelligence agency sheepishly reveals that it should have used yellow or pink. “There was probably some really, really important information in these documents.”

‘Kitten Thinks of Nothing But Murder All Day’

The beauty of this one is that it’s just the headline and a photo. I wonder how many kitten photos they looked at to find just the right homicidally adorable one.

Meet Ron! This sweet and friendly senior cat loves getting attention, especially pats on the head. He’s looking for a quiet retirement home where he can relax near a window while watching the world outside and enjoy receiving lots of love and pets from his new family.